About Mike

I grew up in a nice suburb, Marlton, NJ.  I have an older brother and my parents stayed somewhat together until I was a teenager or so I really dont remember the exact year and dont care to figure it out. 

I never liked myself even as a child, I had an underlying disdain for myself.  I was a star athlete all the time and honor roll when I tried.  I believe part of my self loathing came from the fact that I was weak minded and easily influenced.  I believed the BS on TV and I always cared what others thought about me..  I very much fell into the depression craze, spending so much time focusing on a bad mood and  I made it constant. misery and discomfort .

, my home life wasn’t great, but nobody knew about that. I was angry and I smoked a lot of weed, so at 13 yrs old I was taken  out of after school sports and put in an after school program at Hampton Hospital.  Which was a horrible idea, take a kid away from healthy sports activity and place him with a bunch of delinquents where we talk about how we hate our lives.

 I started to sell marijuana and use it heavily in High School.  From there it was ecstacy, mushrooms and LSD.  I moved out when Iwas 18, still a senior in High school.  I had already been in and out of juvenile detention.  Once I had moved out I started selling any drug I could make money on.  Which turned into me trying every drug out there, except crack and meth.  I never tried those.

I started using and selling coke at 20, so I began drinking a lot which I hated.  Even when I was a junky I didnt drink.  I would sniff til my nose bled, clear it out and do more.  “monster Machine”  was my name.  I never like drinking but I did it anyway because it pairs well with cocaine, this is the insanity you will fall into with substance abuse.

I was making a couple thousand a week and 20 years ago that was great money for a 20 year old kid.  Too bad I ended with nothing to show for it.
I was so ashamed of what I was and what I was doing so I just hid deeper and deeper behind drugs.  I was too much of a coward to fight my issues.

I eventually moved back home, my father had left so it was my mom and my brother.  I kept selling coke at her home and eventually the police kicked the door in at 6 am and raided the house.  To me, at the time, it wasn’t a big deal, just another stop on my route.  In jail I started hanging out with some bikers, then we got released and the pill craze hit.  So I started “Dr. hopping” Which is going from Dr. to Dr. getting the same narcotic medication, to sell and/or use.  When I got out of jail I wasn’t thinking about fixing my life, I was mentally gone.  I had no purpose.  I literally planned on being a lifetime criminal. 

 That lifestyle sucks, its filled with stress anxiety, depression paranoia, no friends just customers and users.

At this time I truly hated myself and everything that crossed my path, I made sure everyone and everything felt my pain.

Then one day my Dr. said I’m being investigated by the DEA I cant prescribe to you anymore.  That was the end of the pills and the beginning of Heroin.  In the beginning I was sniffing,  I would sell drugs and work here and there to fund my habit.  I was stealing from the one person who sacrificed their entire life for me.  Gave me everything they could but for a junky that wasn’t enough.

I pushed her beyond her limit and I was told to leave.  I chose to sleep on a cardboard box underneath a church awning in Camden over quitting a drug that was killing me slowly.  Instead of a nice house in the suburbs with heat and food, I chose cold hard streets and poison.  That’s when I started to use intravenously.  I was on and off the methadone clinic, just using it as a crutch the days I had no money.  Going to bed every night with a stomach full of nerves because I didn’t know how I’d get high the next day.

 I was on and off the methadone clinic, just using it as a crutch the days I had no money.  Going to bed every night with a stomach full of nerves because I didn’t know how I’d get high the next day.

Eventually I was pumping 150 mg of methadone, $50 shot of dope and couple zanny bars to start my day, I would usually shoot dope 3 times per day.  I was selling the xanax bars so I couldn’t truly tell you how many I would take throughout the day, about 5 to 7.  Same with the Heroin to Fentynal transition.  But nothing changed with Fetty except I would buy tranq separate and mix it in because I truly just didnt want to be awake.  I had no love for being high, only a hatred for myself.

Finally I think my Mother knew I was dying, she allowed me to come back home, my brother had finally moved out.  I was living on an air mattress in her Living Room.  How embarrassing, a 35 year old man, weighs 135 lbs. no job, no purpose, dying by his own hands, a pathetic, weak mess.  By this time I was barely ever awake, I would knock myself out with so much tranq I should be dead.  I would be more inept to stay  passed out all day and stay awake overnight, I was so ashamed of myself.  I wished I was dead, I’d curse God, I would say these things out loud. I did and said things I swore I never would.    You can look at it one of two ways, either I was too much of a coward to kill myself, or God kept me alive to complete my purpose.  Maybe its both, in the grand scheme of things neither matters, what matters is today, who I am today and what can I do to be better for tomorrow.

All the while my solution was to build myself into the man I wanted to be.  Instead, I was waiting for world to come and save me, nobody came.  Don’t get me wrong people were there for me, supporting me in my recovery, even the local police tried to help.  What I’m trying to say is that nobody could fight for me the way that I needed to fight for me.

I had been shot twice, robbed at gunpoint, I’ve had more guns put in my face than I can count.  I was mugged once and didn’t even know it happened when I just woke up in the snow. I got home and looked in the mirror, then realized I just got my head smashed.  I myself am not proud to say I’ve stabbed two people to protect myself.   I am happy to say those two men survived, not sure how they feel about me but remember they came after me with no provocation.  In my diluted thinking it was smart for a white guy to sell drugs on the street in Camden.  In case you were wondering it was a bad idea.  Not only was I risking being put in prison, I didn’t exactly blend in, I risked my life, I could’ve been killed any of those times I had been jumped or robbed.  I could’ve ended two ppl’s lives, not only would I most likely be in prison, I could’ve been the victim of retaliation, still could be.  Put in the situation again, to be honest, I would probably do worse to them today as I am much more capable.

But today, I am too smart to put myself in that situation.  I still visit those same streets, doing outreach work for the homeless, and they all recognize me.  I know those two guys haven’t forgotten about me, you don’t want those things on your mind, imagine I run into them when I have a child and something happens to me.  My past behaviors haunting the ppl I love, people that weren’t even alive when this stuff went on.  Remember how important you are, your actions affect more than just yourself.

One day a friend came by for some weed, he saw me passed out through the glass doors and came in trying to wake me up.  He said he shook me violently and I would mumble and go back out.  He took the weed and left the money, he didn’t rob me or steal anything.  AT this time I’m face down on the floor, my friend leaves and my brother decides to stop at the house.  Apparently he saw me there as well, my friend Eric, God rest his soul just couldn’t stop thinking about me.  He knew something was really wrong and he called 911 to report an overdose.  My brother then locked all the doors and left.  The police and ambulance arrived, they did everything they could to wake me, but they didn’t succeed.  They then kicked in the front door and began to work on me, they saved my life for the first time.  I came to in the hospital having no idea how I got there, my mother was sitting there with the most fearful face I’ve ever seen and the Dr. then began asking questions.  I went to the police station to pick up my things, and the officer told me “If my Sgt. would’ve waited another 30 seconds you’d be dead, I’ve never seen someone take so much Narcan and not come back to life.  And I deal with overdoses on a daily basis.”

I’ll never forget that.

That was the first of three overdoses, after number 3 something changed in me, I was truly at my end in every way possible.  My soul was so lost, I was exhausted physically and mentally, I had also run out of everything and I just didn’t have it in me to go out hustle and beg.  I was done, stripped of everything life could take outside of my life itself. So I began to detox at home, I had my prescribed methadone so you’d think I would be ok.   Absolutely Not!!  I was so sick my body was giving out, I couldn’t breathe and my heart rate was 30 beats per minute.  And yes they gave me prescribed methadone everyday while I was a junky.  So finally I was literally gasping for air so we went to the ER.

At the hospital the Dr. said, “Mr. Stewart I know you but you’ve never met me, you were always passed out.  You can stay, we will help you and keep you comfortable, or you can use us like a revolving door.”

So I stayed, I was there for about 7 days and when I got out I made the conscious decision to never look back.  I started to treat my mind and body with care, exercising daily, eating healthy, sticking to a routine each day.  I had to rebuild myself, not my life, myself.  I had beaten down my mind, body, and soul for only God knows how long.  I wasn’t ready to dive back into the world, life is hard, we must prepare for it.  I fought my desires, and I did what was good for me, not what I felt like.   Daily exercise, healthy food, meditation and breathing work, and maintaining my schedule.  I would map out my day for success each night and prepare for the next day.  As soon as I woke up, I was hungry to win at life.

I began to build healthy habits to replace my old ones.  We can’t expect to have the same thinking and lifestyle, while staying clean and becoming a success.  The prior behaviors we had brought us down a road of destruction, so I had to ask myself why was I holding on to them.  I designed the “Success Only Schedule”  Upon waking I would stretch and do some physical exercise (light cardio) then I would meditate for 6 minutes in the grass and contemplate everything I was grateful for that day from waking up, down to the undesirable things that happened the day before.  Then I would take 5 minutes to deeply contemplate my upcoming day and envision how I wanted my day to go.  While meditating I would get in my grounding, from there I eat breakfast and get my day started with positive affirmations and some Wim Hof breathing.

At this time I was working an easy job, nothing that would stress me out, I was rebuilding.  There was no space in my head for anything extra.  I was laying my foundation, building myself physically and spiritually.  Mentally I was obtaining every certification I could,  I was only listening to the world. 

Remember something, my way didn’t work, it was time to shut up and listen to those who’ve succeeded, because I clearly was not successful.  This is when I began to train MMA, and I bought a Harley Davidson, I was starting to do all of the things that I always wanted to do.  I also began building my own business.  I did not just want to live, I wanted to thrive and enjoy life.  SO I took accountability for everything that happened to me, past, present, and future.

I would dedicate my day to work and building my business, at night I would train Muay Thai, Jui-Jitsu, etc. When I came home, I would prepare for the next day then read at least 5 pages of something not for entertainment purpose, it was something that would make me better.  I would meditate and contemplate my day, dissecting my failures and downloading my positive interactions.  I dedicated to self improvement.

Within 2 years I’ve had 3 amateur fights, I’m opening my 2nd business, and I’m getting better and better everyday.

I’ve been homeless,
I’ve been in and out of county jail more times then I can remember.
I’ve been angry, depressed, anxious, sick, sad pathetic
and everything in between.
I gave up…
I cursed God
And, I also…
Fought for myself and stopped hiding,
I became a success
I became Happy, Honorable and respected.
More so I respect myself.
God forgave me and put me on my Life’s Mission
Today I am Proud, and happy to look at the man in the mirror.
I like the man I’m building, and I will remain to do so until my final day here.